All looking a bit pear shaped - Canary Islands Diary
How do you look good on the beach after the excesses of Christmas? As Canary Island Expats Joe and Joy explain, that's a rather immediate issue.
It’s halfway through January and already Joy and I are failing miserably.
Every January, following the usual dispersal of a ton of imported Quality Street and a turkey the size of a water buffalo, we stand in front of the mirror and resolve to get into some kind of shape.
A beach-friendly shape preferably.
One of the things that strikes you when living in a sunny clime - especially when it’s a holiday destination – is that your body is on show a lot more than when you’re living in northern Europe.
Except perhaps in Finland where you might be inclined to shed all your clothes and leap into the snow on a daily basis.
It’s a bit ironic that as a pathologically conservative race, the first thing we Brits do when we go on holiday is strip down to our bare essentials and lie down next to a bunch of complete strangers separated by nothing more than a few threads of nylon, a bottle of burn-me-quick suncream and a copy of Hello magazine.
Even away from the beach clothes are skimpy (if worn at all) and bare skin is in your face at every turn.
Muffled up in the UK, those folds of flab are easily disguised by knitted Arrans, beer bellies concealed by Burberry overcoats.
But alas, unless you want to be mistaken for Felipe, the misguided fool who wanders aimlessly through our village in a buttoned-up duffel coat even when it’s 40°C, there’s no escape from flashing the flesh.
Thus, the greatest of efforts have to be made to return from a size 18 dress size down to a natural fighting weight.
And that’s just me.
Joy begins worrying about how she’ll look on the beach as soon as she buys her first bikini, which is usually in the pre-Christmas sales up in Santa Cruz in November.
This gives her plenty of time to quell the anxiety with some binge comfort eating.
So the question is… how are we going to get back on track?
There are many options available, it can’t be denied.
Some I’ve already ruled out.
For instance, I don’t want to join a gym. Been there, bought the t-shirt and the annual membership card that spent most of the year gathering dust in my top drawer.
On an island of eternal sunshine it also seems a tad foolish to spend time exercising indoors.
I also don’t want to take to the water… just yet. Well would you? The sea temperature is under 19°C at this time of year, still chilly enough to cause a grown man to cry.
I don’t do the Atlantic until at least June when the mercury rises three or four notches.
My most romantic notion involves bare feet, early rises and a short 10-minute drive.
I’ve always fancied morning jogs on the beach - just me, calm surf and a solitary trail of footprints in freshly raked sand.
The problem is, so do too many other people… and their dogs.
In reality, we’ll probably do none of the formal get-fit stuff.
There are actually plenty of ways to burn the calories without leaving my house in the hills.
There are goats to shoo off the vegetable patch, 8-litre water bottles to cart in from the supermarket, gas bottles to collect from the petrol station and kids to run around after while pretending to be a dragon.
If that doesn’t work, I’m going to buy a duffel coat like Felipe. I hope they do size 18s at Zara.
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